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Hazy Night

Foreword:  This is the translation of my original Fanfic "Nuit d'Ivresse".  It is quite difficult to produce an exact translation and therefore I have decided to write a translation based on my feelings and ideas at the time in fitting English terms, rather than a literal one.  Since I wrote the story in French, I feel I may be able to convey the spirit of the original.

Disclaimer:  I don't own these characters, even if I spend a lot of time in their company.  I am fully responsible for all mistakes as much in the French version as in this one.  If you would like to help beta any of my future writings in English, or you have a comment, please feel free to leave me a message.

I was coming home late, that night.  My head felt heavy on my shoulders, but full of hope.  For a short moment, I felt free, I felt strong, I felt important.  These thoughts were lessening the dull ache in my heart, and I wanted so much to hold on to these feelings.  But so is life, and I had learnt the hard way to resign myself to it.

After taking the saddle off my horse and settling it inside the stables, I furtively entered the Jarjayes mansion through the small back door ("Our door" would Nanny remind me constantly, even if I walked through the main door with Oscar every day, "don't you ever forget it").

No, I could never forget, it was the reason why I had started going to these meetings in that small isolated church, and why I kept going back.  One eye or two, I held tight to this rising hope.

Life wasn't really too bad here, though.  Oscar, for one, never treated me as a servant.  I was her accomplice, and she was my life, my everything, my love.  She never abused it.  Did she not realize my feelings towards her?  Was I really this docile dog who would follow her every step?  No, I refused to harbour such dark thoughts after such an enjoyable evening.

And as I was passing the large kitchen to reach my bedroom as quickly as possible, this is when I noticed a light in the small lounge room.  Oscar.  She was probably busy reading, I thought...  But suddenly I heard a muffled cry, and the sound of a heavy glass laid roughly on the table.

Oscar agitated, it hardly surprised me these days.  But suddenly I realized what I had just heard.  Sobs.  Muffled.  Oscar, my brave Oscar, stubborn, strong...  Oscar was crying and it tore my heart apart.

My fluttering happiness had disappeared like the morning mist.  The echo of these tears tearing at my heart and making it bleed.  I wanted to burst into the lounge, grab her off her chair, hold her so tight, so close, keeping her in the circle of my arms et let her cry softly on my shoulder, whispering sweet nothings.  I wanted to know what had hurt her so and take care of it myself, as nothing or nobody had the right to take away her smile.  Whatever it was, Oscar, I'll take care of it...

When I heard the sound of broken glass, I decided to step inside the room.  Whatever she could say didn't matter, at least I would know that she didn't hurt herself.

I wasn't ready for the sight that was offered to me.  Oscar, sprawled on an armchair, the remains of a glass still in her hand, the numerous glass pieces having found the floor, a nearly empty wine bottle on the table nearby.  My Oscar, her eyes empty, her face flushed from the drink.  Oscar in disarray, her shirt half open nearly falling off her shoulders.  Oscar barefoot, her skin so white, and so close to the glass shards.  Oscar, her head resting on her folded arm, fragile, tears escaping her eyes unwillingly.  But even tired as she was, even half intoxicated, she was trying to restrain herself, she was trying to behave like a man.  A man who didn't cry.

My poor Oscar you have nevertheless lost this battle.

She looked up as she saw me, I saw her blink trying to see me more clearly despite the alcohol clouding her vision.  Her eyes looked more alive then, somehow, and she flashed a little embarrassed smile.  I was deliriously happy to be able to do that for her, I hadn't thought about the consequences.

"-Andre" She said simply.  And she tried to stand up, but missed a step, and by now I was so worried that she might injure her feet on the broken glass that I threw myself at her when she started to topple over.

She was in my arms.  A shuddering Oscar, unsure of herself.  A drunk and pained Oscar.  Would you let me share your pain, Oscar?  Why were you crying?  I put a hand on her delicate shoulder, trying to bring up the cloth of her shirt, but she brushed it away in one quick gesture and my hand landed next to her heart, my fingers so rough on her soft skin.  I suddenly realized that I wanted to rip this shirt off, put my hands all over this body, the only body I wanted to touch, for as long as I would live.

But she was delicate.  Oscar might be stubborn and hot-headed, her character doesn't prevent her to seem so fragile, once the uniform is off.

I barely caressed this skin which was already burning me, desire overwhelming me.  The world could have collapsed at this instant and I wouldn't have cared.

Suddenly, I felt it.  The end of the world.   Oscar, her head against my shirt, had placed her featherly lips against my chest.  Her arms, secure around my waist, slowly crept up along my back, in a lingering move.  She was holding me close, now, as if she would never let me go.  And I would have remained there for an eternity.  An eternity is never enough with Oscar.

Her hands had reached beneath my shirt, her burning hands that seemed to be everywhere at the same time.  I was crazy with love and desire.  I was more drunk than she was.

She said finally, finding a more assured tone of voice, one that I recognised:

"-Andre, you are the only one I can trust.  Since I will never be a wife, at least, make a woman of me..."

This time, my body tensed.  How many times had I heard these words in my hopeless dreams...  But now, these same words were cutting me like a knife.

I answered softly, slowly, feigning a calm I didn't quite feel:

"-No, Oscar, you know it.  I can't.  You are miserable and drunk, but it will pass.  And I will always be there to help you."

The look she threw me, full of pain and hardly contained anger, informed me that it wasn't the end of the discussion.  Oscar is stubborn.  It is a trait of her character I had learnt to know very early on.

And I desired her so much!  And the vision of Oscar, dishevelled, giving herself to me... her lips on mine...

"- Andre, you have seen me wear a dress, am I not woman enough in your eyes?"

She was still so close to me.  Her hands reached for my neck and she laid her lips on mine.

I was suffocating, I wanted to leave before I did something I might regret now.  Oscar would never forgive me, would never forgive herself...

"- I love you so much, Oscar.  You are everything to me.  And I love you because you are a woman, and I love you because you are strong.  You feel melancholic, and you have been drinking until late.  I could not do this and see your disgust tomorrow morning.  Forgive me."

I had said this in an almost dead voice.  I didn't dare look at her.  I wouldn't be able to resist her if she insisted again, so I started in the direction of the door.

"-No!  Please, don't go.  I am sorry, I don't know what came over me.  I must have been drinking more than I thought... Andre, could you do me a favour, though?  I am going to bed now.  Could you stay by my side until I fall asleep?  I think I might feel more reassured then.  I have had some troublesome thoughts lately, and I need a good night sleep."

My heart was bursting with joy.  My Oscar...  She understood.  She wanted to spare my the pain of refusal, the embarrassment, and the words I knew we would regret the next morning.

"- Of course, Oscar.  Anything you want."

After this, she didn't speak a word.  She disappeared in her room to ready herself for bed.  I waited for her call, and, when it never came, I entered her room carefully.  She was laying on her front, above the sheets, already asleep, and her face was peaceful and beautiful.  I wanted to cry, and I thought how absurd it was that Oscar, being a woman, was trying to keep her tears more than I did.

Slowly, I rolled her over on her back, and pulled up the sheets to cover her, tracing her cheek and her lips in a featherlight caress.  Her lips which had touched mine a few minutes before, this skin I could have possessed, honour and love until morning, and never see again.

I am so sorry, Oscar, I couldn't.  I would die if you hated me, I would waste away if I could never see you again.

The morning was clear and warm.  Spring was in the air, chasing the cold breeze, lighting up flowers... My first thought was for a rose.

I quickly got up and got dressed rapidly.  I was hoping to avoid one of Nanny's lecture regarding the broken glass.  I would say that it was me.  I had cleaned up everything yesterday.

Thinking back about last night, I winced.  My first thought was that I really did not want to be in Oscar's place when she would wake up and I hoped that the General was not in either to lecture her in his loud voice.

Then I started to feel unsettled as the events of last night played again in front of my eyes.

"- I hope we will be able to laugh about it..." I said out loud.

"- What would you be laughing at?" Asked Oscar's voice.

She started to go down the stairway, I could see her head feeling heavy on her shoulders.  She was trying to hide it, but I knew she was suffering.

"- I promise never to make any comments regarding your drinking ability.  I was very impressed last night.  But then, as you were about to bide me good night, you fell on your bed like a log and were fast asleep."

"- Oh, this would explain why I slept fully clothed.  I hope I didn't embarrass myself...  To tell you the truth, Andre, when I came home from Versailles yesterday, I felt so dispirited that I started drinking before dinner.  Actually, I couldn't eat at all, I hope Nanny isn't offended...  You will ask, won't you, Andre?  And I apologise if I prevented you from sleeping last night, but, and this is quite exasperating, I cannot remember a thing.  Did I really drink that much?"

I felt my soul being lifted... so light, so light...  I simply smiled:

"- More than that, Oscar.  But it does not matter.  You went to bed, and I don't quite believe that you will repeat this feat any time soon, judging from your looks...  But do promise me one thing, though, Oscar, I beg of you..."

She raised her head and levelled her blue eyes to mine, feeling the desperation in my voice.  I didn't intend for this display, but I suppose that I still felt pain for her, even if she herself could not remember.

"- Next time that Versailles demoralises you, come see me.  I will set back anything.  We would be able to talk, ride our horses, and, if you must drink, at least I could keep you company, hum, Oscar, Please?"

This seemed to unsettle her.

"- Of course, Andre.  But, are you sure everything is fine?"

"- Yes, yes, of course.  I just do not like to see you in such a state the following morning, is all.  It doesn't leave me anybody to ride or fence with."

She threw me a strange little look, then decided to smile.  Of course, she didn't believe this at all.  But she didn't insist.  Truth be said, we never spoke of that night again.

The End