Hazy Night
Foreword: This is the translation of my original
Fanfic "Nuit d'Ivresse". It is quite difficult to produce an exact translation
and therefore I have decided to write a translation based on my feelings and
ideas at the time in fitting English terms, rather than a literal one. Since I
wrote the story in French, I feel I may be able to convey the spirit of the
original.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, even if
I spend a lot of time in their company. I am fully responsible for all mistakes
as much in the French version as in this one. If you would like to help beta
any of my future writings in English, or you have a comment, please feel free to
leave me a
message.
I was coming home late, that night.
My head felt heavy on my shoulders, but full of hope. For a short moment, I
felt free, I felt strong, I felt important. These thoughts were lessening the
dull ache in my heart, and I wanted so much to hold on to these feelings. But
so is life, and I had learnt the hard way to resign myself to
it.
After taking the saddle off my horse
and settling it inside the stables, I furtively entered the Jarjayes mansion
through the small back door ("Our door" would Nanny remind me constantly, even
if I walked through the main door with Oscar every day, "don't you ever forget
it").
No, I could never forget, it was the
reason why I had started going to these meetings in that small isolated church,
and why I kept going back. One eye or two, I held tight to this rising
hope.
Life wasn't really too bad here,
though. Oscar, for one, never treated me as a servant. I was her accomplice,
and she was my life, my everything, my love. She never abused it. Did she not
realize my feelings towards her? Was I really this docile dog who would follow
her every step? No, I refused to harbour such dark thoughts after such an
enjoyable evening.
And as I was passing the large
kitchen to reach my bedroom as quickly as possible, this is when I noticed a
light in the small lounge room. Oscar. She was probably busy reading, I
thought... But suddenly I heard a muffled cry, and the sound of a heavy glass
laid roughly on the table.
Oscar agitated, it hardly surprised
me these days. But suddenly I realized what I had just heard. Sobs. Muffled.
Oscar, my brave Oscar, stubborn, strong... Oscar was crying and it tore my
heart apart.
My fluttering happiness had
disappeared like the morning mist. The echo of these tears tearing at my heart
and making it bleed. I wanted to burst into the lounge, grab her off her chair,
hold her so tight, so close, keeping her in the circle of my arms et let her cry
softly on my shoulder, whispering sweet nothings. I wanted to know what had
hurt her so and take care of it myself, as nothing or nobody had the right to
take away her smile. Whatever it was, Oscar, I'll take care of
it...
When I heard the sound of broken
glass, I decided to step inside the room. Whatever she could say didn't matter,
at least I would know that she didn't hurt herself.
I wasn't ready for the sight that was
offered to me. Oscar, sprawled on an armchair, the remains of a glass still in
her hand, the numerous glass pieces having found the floor, a nearly empty wine
bottle on the table nearby. My Oscar, her eyes empty, her face flushed from the
drink. Oscar in disarray, her shirt half open nearly falling off her
shoulders. Oscar barefoot, her skin so white, and so close to the glass
shards. Oscar, her head resting on her folded arm, fragile, tears escaping her
eyes unwillingly. But even tired as she was, even half intoxicated, she was
trying to restrain herself, she was trying to behave like a man. A man who
didn't cry.
My poor Oscar you have nevertheless
lost this battle.
She looked up as she saw me, I saw
her blink trying to see me more clearly despite the alcohol clouding her
vision. Her eyes looked more alive then, somehow, and she flashed a little
embarrassed smile. I was deliriously happy to be able to do that for her, I
hadn't thought about the consequences.
"-Andre" She said simply. And she
tried to stand up, but missed a step, and by now I was so worried that she might
injure her feet on the broken glass that I threw myself at her when she started
to topple over.
She was in my arms. A shuddering
Oscar, unsure of herself. A drunk and pained Oscar. Would you let me share
your pain, Oscar? Why were you crying? I put a hand on her delicate shoulder,
trying to bring up the cloth of her shirt, but she brushed it away in one quick
gesture and my hand landed next to her heart, my fingers so rough on her soft
skin. I suddenly realized that I wanted to rip this shirt off, put my hands all
over this body, the only body I wanted to touch, for as long as I would
live.
But she was delicate. Oscar might be
stubborn and hot-headed, her character doesn't prevent her to seem so fragile,
once the uniform is off.
I barely caressed this skin which was
already burning me, desire overwhelming me. The world could have collapsed at
this instant and I wouldn't have cared.
Suddenly, I felt it. The end of the
world. Oscar, her head against my shirt, had placed her featherly lips against
my chest. Her arms, secure around my waist, slowly crept up along my back, in a
lingering move. She was holding me close, now, as if she would never let me
go. And I would have remained there for an eternity. An eternity is never
enough with Oscar.
Her hands had reached beneath my
shirt, her burning hands that seemed to be everywhere at the same time. I was
crazy with love and desire. I was more drunk than she was.
She said finally, finding a more assured tone of voice, one that I recognised:
"-Andre, you are the only one I can
trust. Since I will never be a wife, at least, make a woman of
me..."
This time, my body tensed. How many
times had I heard these words in my hopeless dreams... But now, these same
words were cutting me like a knife.
I answered softly, slowly, feigning a
calm I didn't quite feel:
"-No, Oscar, you know it. I can't.
You are miserable and drunk, but it will pass. And I will always be there to
help you."
The look she threw me, full of pain
and hardly contained anger, informed me that it wasn't the end of the
discussion. Oscar is stubborn. It is a trait of her character I had learnt to
know very early on.
And I desired her so much! And the
vision of Oscar, dishevelled, giving herself to me... her lips on
mine...
"- Andre, you have seen me wear a
dress, am I not woman enough in your eyes?"
She was still so close to me. Her
hands reached for my neck and she laid her lips on mine.
I was suffocating, I wanted to leave
before I did something I might regret now. Oscar would never forgive me, would
never forgive herself...
"- I love you so much, Oscar. You
are everything to me. And I love you because you are a woman, and I love you
because you are strong. You feel melancholic, and you have been drinking until
late. I could not do this and see your disgust tomorrow morning. Forgive
me."
I had said this in an almost dead
voice. I didn't dare look at her. I wouldn't be able to resist her if she
insisted again, so I started in the direction of the door.
"-No! Please, don't go. I am sorry,
I don't know what came over me. I must have been drinking more than I
thought... Andre, could you do me a favour, though? I am going to bed now.
Could you stay by my side until I fall asleep? I think I might feel more
reassured then. I have had some troublesome thoughts lately, and I need a good
night sleep."
My heart was bursting with joy. My
Oscar... She understood. She wanted to spare my the pain of refusal, the
embarrassment, and the words I knew we would regret the next
morning.
"- Of course, Oscar. Anything you want."
After this, she didn't speak a word.
She disappeared in her room to ready herself for bed. I waited for her call,
and, when it never came, I entered her room carefully. She was laying on her
front, above the sheets, already asleep, and her face was peaceful and
beautiful. I wanted to cry, and I thought how absurd it was that Oscar, being a
woman, was trying to keep her tears more than I did.
Slowly, I rolled her over on her
back, and pulled up the sheets to cover her, tracing her cheek and her lips in a
featherlight caress. Her lips which had touched mine a few minutes before, this
skin I could have possessed, honour and love until morning, and never see
again.
I am so sorry, Oscar, I couldn't. I
would die if you hated me, I would waste away if I could never see you
again.
*****
The morning was clear and warm. Spring was in the air, chasing the cold
breeze, lighting up flowers... My first thought was for a
rose.
I quickly got up and got dressed
rapidly. I was hoping to avoid one of Nanny's lecture regarding the broken
glass. I would say that it was me. I had cleaned up everything
yesterday.
Thinking back about last night, I
winced. My first thought was that I really did not want to be in Oscar's place
when she would wake up and I hoped that the General was not in either to lecture
her in his loud voice.
Then I started to feel unsettled as
the events of last night played again in front of my eyes.
"- I hope we will be able to laugh about it..." I said out loud.
"- What would you be laughing at?" Asked Oscar's voice.
She started to go down the stairway,
I could see her head feeling heavy on her shoulders. She was trying to hide it,
but I knew she was suffering.
"- I promise never to make any
comments regarding your drinking ability. I was very impressed last night. But
then, as you were about to bide me good night, you fell on your bed like a log
and were fast asleep."
"- Oh, this would explain why I slept
fully clothed. I hope I didn't embarrass myself... To tell you the truth,
Andre, when I came home from Versailles yesterday, I felt so dispirited that I
started drinking before dinner. Actually, I couldn't eat at all, I hope Nanny
isn't offended... You will ask, won't you, Andre? And I apologise if I
prevented you from sleeping last night, but, and this is quite exasperating, I
cannot remember a thing. Did I really drink that much?"
I felt my soul being lifted... so light, so light... I simply smiled:
"- More than that, Oscar. But it
does not matter. You went to bed, and I don't quite believe that you will
repeat this feat any time soon, judging from your looks... But do promise me
one thing, though, Oscar, I beg of you..."
She raised her head and levelled her
blue eyes to mine, feeling the desperation in my voice. I didn't intend for
this display, but I suppose that I still felt pain for her, even if she herself
could not remember.
"- Next time that Versailles
demoralises you, come see me. I will set back anything. We would be able to
talk, ride our horses, and, if you must drink, at least I could keep you
company, hum, Oscar, Please?"
This seemed to unsettle her.
"- Of course, Andre. But, are you sure everything is fine?"
"- Yes, yes, of course. I just do
not like to see you in such a state the following morning, is all. It doesn't
leave me anybody to ride or fence with."
She threw me a strange little look,
then decided to smile. Of course, she didn't believe this at all. But she
didn't insist. Truth be said, we never spoke of that night again.
The End
Berusaiyu no Bara; Lady Oscar: All Rights Reserved Ikeda Productions 1972-1973, Tokyo Movie Shinsha Co. 1979-1980.
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